


A Study in Silliness

by under_a_grey_cloud



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Transgender (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-29 13:35:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19401385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/under_a_grey_cloud/pseuds/under_a_grey_cloud
Summary: Moriarty receives a unique kill request





	A Study in Silliness

**Author's Note:**

> This is for anyone I might have accidentally offended.
> 
> This is a silly little story about someone hiring Moriarty to kill a transgender male. Much misunderstanding occurs because Moriarty knows even less about being transgender than I do. The end could be seen as extremely insulting to transgender people but I didn't intend it to be. It could just as easily have been been written about any gender or combination thereof.
> 
> If you are offended by anything in this story, please consider leaving me a comment telling me what bothered you and why, so I don't make the same mistake again.

Moriarty’s kill phone rang in the middle of the night. _Bloody hell. That’ll wake up Sherlock and I don’t even want him to know this phone exists._

He tried to get up without being noticed by combining speed with stealth. It was not a good combination. He very nearly slipped and fell out of bed. He started the kill conversation with “Hang on.” Not very professional. He checked on Sherlock, who was either sleeping or doing a great imitation. He tickled the soles of Sherlock’s feet. Sherlock grunted and turned over. Moriarty figured it would be difficult to suppress a reaction to being tickled, so he hoped for the best.

He took the kill phone all the way to the library, on the opposite side of the flat.

**Moriarty:**

_Please excuse my impropriety._

**Caller:**

_That’s quite alright. I did, after all, wake you in the middle of the night._

**Moriarty:**

_Not a problem._

_How can I help you?_

**Caller:**

_My husband is having an affair, and has been emptying our joint bank account to support his male mistress._

**Moriarty:**

_Say again? I’m a bit confused._

**Caller:**

_I don’t know how to be clearer. I have a husband. He has a male mistress. That term is indeed awkward but I can’t think of a better one. Mistress implies a woman. Mastress is not a word, and sounds like a mattress. Master is not at all what I mean. My husband has been using our joint bank account to support his male unmarried cohort. I wish to have his cohort eliminated._

**Moriarty:**

_I see. You require the disposal of a male mistress-equivalent._

**Caller:**

_Yes. Do you have any qualms about gender?_

**Moriarty:**

_No. Of course not. I merely need a name and description of the person who requires elimination. I’m terribly sorry. My brain is not fully awake yet._

**Caller:**

_That’s quite understandable. It is 3:04 and waking from a deep sleep takes time. I should also mention that the person I wish eliminated is transgender. He was born with a female body but he considers himself male, and dresses and acts as if he were male._

**Moriarty:**

_Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You would like to be rid of a transgender male who is cheating on you and spending your joint finances on his, no, on your husband. Wait, I’m sorry. Your husband is spending your joint finances on his transgender mistress._

**Caller:**

_Almost. My husband’s transgender out-of-wedlock relationship is with a male. He is of the male gender, but he was born into a female body._

**Moriarty:**

_Has the person to be eliminated had gender reversal surgery?_

**Caller:**

_I fail to see why you require that information._

**Moriarty:**

_I don’t, per se. I need sufficient information to recognize the target. I have noticed that sometimes transgender individuals who have had surgery tend to resemble their gender more closely than those who have not yet had surgery. I am not referring to intimate body parts. I am referring to the overall appearance of the person._

**Caller:**

_I see. My husband’s lover completed his surgery several years ago, and has been on hormonal therapy for a long time. It is unlikely he would be mistaken for someone of the wrong gender._

**Moriarty:**

_I think I see. For all intents and purposes, you require to be rid of a male. This is helpful in later police identification, because post-operative transgender individuals may have certain scars. Individuals who do not require such surgery are unlikely to have the same scars. This also applies to certain internal body organs. I don’t know if this matters to you, but it’s unavoidable that a coroner will fail to detect the difference._

**Caller:**

_I am beginning to feel that you are not taking this request as seriously as you might were my husband’s lover not transgender._

**Moriarty:**

_Not at all. This is a complicated case and I want to ensure that I don’t make any mistake. My policy is “no exchanges, no returns." I’ve yet to come across the need to enforce this policy, but clearly a misunderstanding would be disastrous._

**Caller:**

_More disastrous than if the issue of gender were not present?_

****

**Moriarty:**

_I’m afraid I cannot answer that question because the situation has never occurred. At any rate, I fear that we are spending too much time on secondary issues and we should concentrate on the matter at hand._

**Caller:**

_I agree._

**Moriarty:**

_Please describe the person you would like eliminated._

**Caller:**

_About 167.4 centimeters tall, 54.43 kilograms, light red “ginger” hair color and the associated pale, freckled skin, and size 42 shoes. His preferred manner of dress is logo T-shirts pertaining to video games, light-colored denim trousers, and white high-top trainers. The trainers tend to be rather dirty. He almost always wears a fedora._

**Moriaraty:**

_With trainers and logo shirts?!_

**Caller:**  
  
_Yes. I find the combination quite attractive. I was assured you would be non-judgmental. Yelp gave you 4.5 stars and a very satisfactory review._

****

**_Moriarty:_ **

_I was unaware that my services were rated on Yelp. Would you mind telling me under which category you found me?_

**Caller:**

_Rubbish Disposal Etc._

****

**Moriaty:**

_Really? I was compared to city employees who empty rubbish cans?_

**Caller:**

_That, and other services such as removal of deceased animals, cleaning homes for new occupants, breast reduction surgery, and family size reduction due to the intentional death of a family member._

**Moriarty:**

_Really. Once again, we stray from the purpose of this call. When and where would you like the elimination to occur?_

**Caller:**

_The tube seems convenient. He works at Harrods, so he always gets off at Knightsbridge._

**Moriarty:**

_I’m not certain I agree with you. How would I possibly know which car he would exit?_

**Caller:**

_He always takes the last car. He has a morbid fear of being followed, and any other car would cause him to arrive disheveled and distraught, which is not thought of highly at Harrods. Especially in the jewelry and watches department, in which he works._

**_Moriarty:_ **

_All right, then. I believe I have most of the required information. For a small local job, my remuneration would be £25,000, payable in advance. Bitcoin would do nicely. Disposal would not fall under my purview, as accidental placement of a body on the tracks would be the responsibility of the underground. When would you like this to occur?_

**_Caller:_ **

_Sunday next. He spends his Saturdays on a farm._

**_Moriarty:_ **

_How admirable. Does he help out with chores?_

**Caller:**

_I fail to see how this is pertinent, but there is no reason not to tell you. He assists in cleaning the feeding trough._

**Moriarty:**

_How noble of him._

**Caller:**

_Not particularly. He enjoys pig food._

**Moriarty:**

_Such as bacon and pork?_

**Caller:**

_Certainly not! Such nourishment might result in Mad Pig Disease._

**Moriarty:**

_I’m sorry?_

**Caller:**

_Surely you recall the scourge of Mad Cow Disease, a cross-species communicable disease that occurred when cows were fed cow brains and people then ate the contaminated meat._

**Moriaraty:**

_Of course. But I fail to see the connection._

**Caller:**

_The victim in question is a pig._

**Moriarty:**

_It’s only natural that you would view him in such a light._

**Caller:**

_You have misunderstood. The victim himself is an actual pig._

**Moriarty:**

_You would like me to take the life of a pig?_

**Caller:**

_I thought we had established that you have no qualms over the gender or species of the victim?_

**Moriarty:**

_I don’t recall discussing species._

**Caller:**

_It is quite possible that I assumed that a gentleman such as yourself would have no compunction about species._

**Moriarty:**

_You pose an excellent issue. But wouldn’t it be easier, not to mention far less expensive, to slaughter him in your back yard and eat him for dinner?_

**Caller:**

_I recommend that you check your Yelp reviews the next time they are released. I find it insulting and disgusting that you suggest eating my husband’s lover for dinner. How demeaning. If I were to cheat on you, would you fancy eating me for dinner? I think I shall no longer avail myself of your services._

****

**_Moriarty:_ **

_Any of them? I’m afraid you do yourself a disservice by assuming that because you do not approve of one of the many aspects of my profession, it is necessary to avoid all of them._

**Caller:**

_This is true. There are parts of you I would very much enjoy figuratively eating and swallowing, but eating as in removing them from your body and digesting them would be quite disgusting._

**Moriarty:**

_Shall I come to bed and allow you to experiment?_

**_Caller:_ **

_By all means. I have been eagerly awaiting such a suggestion. You do seem rather dense tonight._

**Moriarty:**

_Sherlock, I’ve known it was you for quite some time. But this is my professional life. Were there even a 1% chance you were a demented client wishing me to kill a pig of any gender, my reputation would be terribly damaged if I hung up on you._

**Caller:**

_How about coming to bed with me instead?_

Moriarty disconnected the call, walked rapidly to his bedroom, stored the kill phone in its usual place, and pounced on Sherlock. Who didn’t seem to mind being pounced on at all.


End file.
